


bruised | hwang hyunjin

by adore_jisung



Series: and beyond | stray kids [5]
Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Blood, Blood and Gore, Blood and Injury, Broken Bones, Bruises, Brutality, Crying, Cutting, Death, Depressing, Depression, Light Masochism, Masochism, Poetic, Poetry, Regret, Sad, Sad Ending, Self-Doubt, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, Snow and Ice, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide, Suicide Attempt, Tears, Winter
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-24
Updated: 2019-11-24
Packaged: 2021-02-17 22:23:55
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,228
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21550726
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/adore_jisung/pseuds/adore_jisung
Summary: in which hyunjin loves the pain
Relationships: Hwang Hyunjin & Everyone, Hwang Hyunjin/Everyone, Stray Kids Ensemble/Everyone
Series: and beyond | stray kids [5]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1545982
Comments: 2
Kudos: 64





	bruised | hwang hyunjin

**Author's Note:**

> started: 15th june 2019  
> ended: 31st july 2019  
> edited: 24th november 2019  
> 3234 words
> 
> this story isn't supposed to romanticize or euphemize mental illnesses/suicide/self-harm in any way and i tried to cover the topic respectfully. 
> 
> all rights reserved to adore_jisung.
> 
> [tw] this story contains mentions of self-harm, gore, depressive thoughts, self-humiliation and suicide. if you don't feel comfortable being confronted with these topics, read at your own risk.

_painting._

_beautiful patterns here, there a thin line,_   
_shimmering under the silver moon's shine_

_addiction, obsession were leading his hand,_   
_his soul was absent,_   
_deeply stuck in a translucent dreamland_

_with others dead silent, trying to hide,_   
_to avoid the questions, to protect his pride_

_the canvas called skin,_   
_the brush was his blade_

_with time passing by,_   
_this artwork would fade_

_and all that's left is the pain._

* * *

hyunjin winced as the ice cold winter wind was brushing over his bare underarms, making their small hairs immediately stand up, unsuccessfully trying their best to protect his frozen skin from the dry air. 

a gust of glee suffused his heart, just like glittery rays of sunshine breaking through thick, heavy clouds after an eternity of foggy darkness, as his eyes greedily soaked up the pleasing sight of his large, veiny hands their surface was slowly adopting a mix of blue and purple, which was in his eyes a stunning contrast to the dark bruises on his open knuckles. 

the violescent patches interrupting the silky flow of his yet rather rough, light skin reminded him of dead, however eternally beautiful, fallen petals, long lost and forgotten, on the icy ground.

pretty.

carefully he moved his right pinky back and forth, perceiving the immediate mechanism of the long, thin bone shining through his hand's back's almost transparent skin with big satisfaction. 

with trembling fingers he slightly stroked over his distinct, dark red knuckles before placing his edgy fingernails perpendicularly right on them, applying heavy pressure until the primarily stinging pain slowly started to fade and his hand's nerves fell into relieving numbness. 

a shaky grin sneaked on his lips as he was finally reconnecting with the well-known sight of several, purple crescents decorating his hand's former last untouched spot now. the wave of endorphins which was now flooding hyunjin's mind like a sparkling river watering dry, exhausted land was refreshing his senses while he was beholding the now completed, wide pattern of lilac marks covering his hands.

he was obsessed.

addicted to a drug its name was pain, endless, eternal pain. it was his medicine for dark hours, his loyal friend in the loneliness, his lullaby for restless nights, his calmness during stressful days. and his absolute favorite part of everything was the indescribable beauty which seemed to caress his stony heart, which satisfied his hungry eyes with saturating love tasting like sweet honey. 

the unique but familiar colors he painted his skin with, the prettiest hematomata on his light skin which hugged every detail of his body's contours, the bright, warm red that sometimes ran down his wrists, his hips, his thighs. merely they accomplished what no one and nothing else in this world was capable of - they made hyunjin happy. the pain was his only happiness.

maybe he was insane.

but he needed the satisfaction, the sight of brutal damage on his own body. even though hyunjin heavily despised violence against others, whether it was humans or innocent animals - he was a whole other person when it came to himself. because in recent years something has been creeping into his mind, a certain conviction which was no other than the firm belief that he himself, hwang hyunjin, did not deserve anything but agony.

in his eyes, all the love, prosperity, joy in the world was meant to be distributed equally between all kind of people, with one exception and that would be him. thinking about it now, he didn't even remember what had fed this creed to the extent it was now existing as but he didn't dare to let his doubts grow. 

he was condemed to eternal misery and that was why he started to love it, it was the last, desperate attempt to make it easier for him to accept his destiny, until he finally had learnt to love the endless darkness surrounding him, or at least he persuaded himself of doing so.

it all had started as small, plain punishments in order to cope with several frustrating experiences. various confrontations with his own failures, mistakes during choreographies, regrets after once again having spoken before thinking, anything, to the point when those punishments became a fixed part of his daily activities - with constantly blue and green arms, brown crusted wounds their desperate attempt to heal was steadily interrupted by new episodes of scratching open, bloody stains caused by his edgy fingernails running over his soft skin until it eventually escalated to knife and blade cuts and even sprained knuckles.

but the more often he did it, the closer he got attached to the especialness of the aching artworks and soon he didn't even need a reason anymore to hurt himself but did it just so. 

to lift his mood. to distract himself from the high, scary walls he was trapped in between like a frightened, helpless animal. to prevent him from going crazy when his anxiety made him feel vulnerable and ridiculous in public areas to the point that he furiously questioned his walking speed, his facial expressions, his appearance, everything.

he thought he was so strong.

he had learnt to tolerate physical harm as his body stopped being overly sensitive to irritations, an automatical coping mechanism he had involuntarily adopted after having confronted himself with uncountable injuries several times on a daily basis. while other people still cursed under their breath for sustaining papercuts or for bumping into furniture standing in their way, he didn't even flinch nor did he actively mind it. he had taught himself how to feel comfortable with the pain, how to enjoy it and he didn't want to let go of it.

nevertheless, in spite of his in his opinion logical argumentation, strength would be the last fitting definition for his body. 

no, he wasn't strong at all. his body hadn't magically built a rare immunity allowing him to receive infringements without flinching, no, in fact all that he had adopted was pure numbness. a numbness that enwrapped his nerves like a protective coat tranquilizing them, preventing them from sending electrical impulses to his brain in a split second and hence keeping him to sense any unpleasant feeling. 

he sometimes felt like he wasn't even alive, when no matter how hard he crashed his fist against a stone wall, no matter how deep he pressed the blade into his already blood deficient wrist, still everything felt totally normal and usual.

hyunjin didn't remember the last time he had been able to wear short sleeves because of that - although he had realized the cuts would be in a better place hidden underneath his clothes on his hips or upper thighs, inconspicuously and at least not the first thing to attract strangers' eyes, he still failed to restrain himself like that when frustration unexpectedly hit him like a truck and his fists blindfold layed into his arms since they were the nearest object to reach for. 

not even the big, oversized hoodies he had replaced all his tanktops and t-shirts with - to his members' silent astonishment - could hide everything, they still left his hands spiked with several darkish colored spots and scratches vulnerably open and he was steadily forced to come up with new excuses. little did he know that despite the absence of further questions after his half-heartedly murmured explanations his counterparts were in fact smart enough to recognize the outer difference between a common bruise after "bumping into a chair" and a serious, concerning injury that couldn't just appear out of nowhere. 

however, no one considered themselves as close enough to hyunjin to invade his privacy like that and actually take action against his unhealthy, sickening behavior. 

no one assumed that - even though he gave his best to be as cold and as unapproachable as possible to protect himself from intimate questions - there had always been a small, unnoticed spark of desire for help, hidden deep in his soul. 

a microscopical, yet existent, part of him that was desperately screaming for someone to hold his hands, look him deeply in the eyes and promise him with a sincere, comforting voice that everything would be okay and that he wasn't alone. but he seemed to be waiting forever in vain, not a single soul staying by his side.

and that was when the bitterness prevailed.

when his cry for a friendly voice stayed unanswered, the bitterness' cold, evil voice was there to fill the void. manipulating him with its addictive, unique sound, it never failed to remind him of its presence - whether it was about calling him an overreacting attention seeker or convincing him of no one caring about what he did, what he thought, what he would do or not do in the future.

hyunjin started to hate himself for not being normal, for thinking he was different from the others, even though the considered aspect of difference wasn't in his favour. he couldn't stand himself anymore, accused himself of pathetic fakeness when he broke down in his own room, alone, with no one by his side except for the devious, heartless bitterness persuading him of being a worthless and fake object.

and he straight up believed the voice, not remembering how hiding his arms, his bruises, his body in itchy makeup was the first thing he thought of when he got up in the morning, not remembering how he literally did everything not to attract any attention. wasn't he just so abnormally stupid? couldn't he just stop treating himself different from how he treated others?

he really wished he could, but it was too late. the harming had already fully replaced the self love in his heart, had sucked it up and consumed it to the last drop until the dark emptiness was all that was left. 

the emptiness that made all the anger build up whenever he noticed himself failing, it was responsible for the aggressive energy getting released through a strong punch against his already damaged body. 

but trying to hold it in instead hurt a thousand times more than ten of these punches and he preferred weak legs shaking due to the high blood loss over the seemingly unaffordable effort to calm down and to learn how to treat himself better.

hatred.

hyunjin hated himself more than anything and anyone on the whole planet. and the more love others wasted on him the bigger grew his self-hatred, the more he wanted to make himself suffer and live the miserable life in eternal agony that he deserved. it wasn't love that he deserved, neither did he deserve affection. 

merely pain, pure, utter pain and the more stubbornly he tried to persuade himself of this enormous lie, the more faded his doubts until his firm belief of being destined to live in a locked dystopia was untouchable and forever stable.

and in weak moments when the fog in his dizzy mind faded for once clearing his distorted sight a bit and he started to realize the shocking truth of his heartbreaking situation, the common, devilish voice was eager to shut his rational sense down immediately and battered him with toxic reproaches disguised as concerned advises until he didn't have a coice but to cower down again, his eyes locked down on the dusty ground, not capable of following the single, bright rays of sunshine which left just as fastly and suddenly as they appeared, no matter how strong the desire pounding in his heart was. he eventually ended up focusing on his members instead of himself, comparing his pathetic self with his precious members who suffered at least as much as him, probably even more. 

and did they whine? did they claim extra treatment instead of following the usual norms?

no, never.

they were the defintion of strength.

feeling bad then and now was an experience everyone, without any exceptions, had to go through in their life, everyone had to fight their own battles and again everyone was brave enough to do so, while hyunjin saw himself as the only, disruptive exception who claimed it necessary to be a burden to everyone, an extra weight on their already heavily packed shoulders.

hyunjin hadn't noticed where his feet had brought him to while he had been wandering through seoul's empty, cold winter streets as his dark thoughts had once again drawn all of his attention to themselves, but honestly, he didn't care a lot either.

his phone was on silent, his extremely worried and nearly panicking members in the dorm plumb forgotten, they weren't more than a translucent illusion somewhere in the deepest back of his stodged head right now. neither did he mind stumbling through strange, narrow streets at almost 4:00 am, he just didn't care anymore. 

all he perhaps noticed was his legs getting shakier every further moment and his frozen feet feeling so tired and heavy, however, he kept on walking until his weak legs eventually gave up under his weight and he let himself fall on the hard pavement covered in a thin layer of glittery crystal snow. 

not feeling strong enough to get back on his aching feet, he decided to stay in this position for a while until his cheek connected to the frozen ground started to sting very badly and he slowly pushed himself up until his back found a halfway firm hold in front of a house wall.

he was exhausted.

halfly frozen.

his eyes almost closed, his icicle like fingers were frantically searching for a certain object in his hoodie's pocket, a wave of relief flowing through him when he finally felt the rusted, small blade between his thumb and his forefinger. it was his last warmth in the coldness. why was he still holding himself back? what could he even lose? what could he possibly regret about allowing himself being carried away for a while, escaping the dark, cold reality? nothing.

and that was what he did - he let himself fly through the soft, cotton candy like clouds of unbothered calmness, forgot about all the bad thoughts having him firmly tied up with their sharp ropes cutting into his flesh, he refreshed himself with the common sense of bitter glee as unstoppable red streets were running over his blue with cold arms, warming his iced body with his own warmth. 

drop.

drop.

drop.

just like the prettiest petals flying through a spring day's warm air, his blood was coalescing with the white ground now, every single one of them telling another and yet the same story. they looked alive, bright and yet they were mysteriously schmoozing him, demanded for more and more petals to join them until eventually the formerly white, untouched snow surrounding hyunjin was entirely red.

heavily breathing his trembling hand finally dropped the small blade his slender fingers had tensely clutched. he felt nauseous at the sensation of the warm, thick liquid running down his whole body now, accelerating, faster and faster, more and more. 

he was weak. 

empty. 

tears were pressuring against his swollen eyes and his head was pounding loudly, as he gave his best to fight them back which made the pressure grow even bigger and bigger. his head felt heavy and dizzy, as he almost lost his consciousness, sitting there on the cold floor in a puddle of his very own blood at nighttime. his eyes were now fully closed and his nose perceived the well-known iron smell covering him like a thick cloud, constantly reminding him of what he had just done.

he wanted to cry, release his aching head and heart from the sharp pressure, but the tears didn't come out. hyunjin couldn't remember the last time he had ever cried - perhaps it had been during the good, old childhood days, when skinned knees still were a reason to run to one's mother, crying one's eyes out until she had placed as well a small bandaid as a light kiss on the wound and everything seemed better.

but that had been already such a long tine ago, the memories were faded, some of them even fully forgotten. and then at some bitter point he had completely stopped crying and ever since forgotten how to do it.

trying to lift his heavy eyelids a bit, he brought up his halfly closed eyes towards the sky to not have to see his discoloured body anymore. 

suddenly it wasn't pretty anymore. suddenly all he felt was disgust. 

fear. 

the cold shower of realization running down his sweaty back giving him goosebumps.

he had went too far.

way too far.

he was only 19, he was a child and yet he was so close to death already, even worse, it was he himself who had brought himself that close to death.

it's not that he wanted to stay alive, no, but he was so so afraid of ruining his members lives by ending his. they, who were the only purpose in his life, they, who always stayed friendly, no matter how harsh or inconsiderate he would snapped at them, they deserved all the good things in the world and definitely not a life like his full of sadness and agony. 

even if he had never been good at expressing his love towards them, even if he had pushed them away when they'd try to hug them to prevent himself from bursting out in tears in their warm embrace, even if he didn't look them in the face out of fear they would eventually read the bare truth in his eyes. even if he did all those horrible things, he still loved them to death.

right now he just missed them so much, all eight of them. would they wonder where he was? would they look for him in the middle of the night? or would they all sleep peacefully in their beds, not having noticed him sneaking out of the dorm?

hyunjin would never know.

because it was far too late by now and he was aware of that.

he had ruined himself while everyone around him tirelessly tried to build him up. he had dragged himself into the deep hole of misery until the escape route got beyond reach. it was too late to go back, to reverse eveything that had been occurring for the past few years.

and now he was about to end it all, end himself.

hyunjin couldn't develop his thoughts any further when unconsciousness finally took over his iced, exhausted, broken body and he later found himself in a state of timeless weightlessness, somewhere behind the finish line. 

an incredible lightness, making all the pressuring weight on his shoulders dissolve into air, lifting him higher until all thoughts in his tortured mind were eliminated and he felt nothing but the long desired peace and calmness he had spent his whole lifetime with to find. and now, it had found him instead.

and in the early dawn when his frozen body was found, a content smile was adorning his beautiful face, as white and fragile as porcelain, a true smile he had lost long time ago and he had never expected to come back one day. 

one last gift.

_even if we can’t see each other_

_we have to be warm, always_

_we have to be warm, always_

_step on my footprints_

_as if they’re yours_

_i’m still sitting here alone in this place being frozen_

_\- heize, being freezed_


End file.
